The homosexual ‘cult’

I came home today to find a very interesting pamphlet among my mail. The cover, printed in gorgeous Algerian fonts read “Concerning the true nature of marriage and the cult of homosexuality”. At first glance, I (an equal-rights advocate attempting to respect the rights and choices of all human beings unless mass murder is involved, of course) was bewildered and tossed the gold and white pamphlet into the garbage. It wasn’t until I threw out last night’s pasta and curry (who eats pasta and curry? Well, that will be my next debate) also into the garbage that my curiosity to know what was actually inside that leaflet arose. So yes, I did dig into the stinky bin full of food-waste and here’s what I found.

The pamphlet contained ten justifications with quotes taken from the Holy Bible as to why homosexuality is a ‘juvenile disorder resulting from the dislocation of normal and natural family relationships’, an ‘essentially immature and generally narcissistic self-indulgence’ and a ‘blasphemy against god and a rebellion against nature’. Before I begin, let me clearly disclose that the content of this is solely based on my opinions and my personal experiences. I am not a religious researcher. I am yet in doubt of my sexual orientation. So, I am not an advocate of myself, just a nauseated self-proclaimed writer facing a quarter-life crisis, attempting to make everything else her problem as means of running away from her own!

I was raised in a conventional Catholic background. I was a convent-girl. Yes, I did go to school with all girls wearing very long, neck throttling, highly self-confidence shattering uniforms. I learned my prayers before I learned my national anthem. All the songs I knew as a kid had something to do with God or Christmas or both. All my crushes were boys from church. My mum considers herself a believer. But as I give her all of the credit to what I have become today (if that’s anything to be proud of!) I also have to applaud her for being a very understanding parent and not shoving down beliefs or broccoli down my throat. Just as she let me choose pathetic men and kept saying “darling, heartbreak is only going to make you stronger”, she also let me discover my own religious and moral grounds.

I haven’t still discovered that ground. I have denounced the concept of creation, but I still go to church. I respect my God for all the values he/she taught me that helped me become the woman I am now but I don’t own a bible. I admit I am indecisive, yet I learn so much from my shifting states for I am still in doubt. I believe that a doubter is the smartest one of all. Or should I say I doubt that the doubter is the smartest one of all! Most importantly, whether I pray to someone who could possibly exist or not, I attempt to be a good human being. I try not to worry whether the heavens will open its gates to me, but I do try to enter as many human hearts as possible. And a part of becoming that empathetic, non-judgmental, accepting human being (current success rate, 0.000007% to be very modest), I try to accept everyone for who they are.

So that is why, like most of you out there, I don’t tolerate arrogant, ignorant concepts shoved at me by people who believe that they are better than the rest or that someone, somewhere has placed them on a pedestal with the giant Final-Judgement Book. I believe in the human right to equality, that everyone should be entitled to make his or her own choices provided no one else is harmed. As I read the quotes from the Bible stated in the pamphlet – “hence the sin of sodomity condemned by St. Paul (Romans 1:24-28; Corinthians 6:9: Timothy 1:10)” – I couldn’t help but remember the verse my mother always used to say to me, also taken from the very Holy Bible - “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

There’s more where that came from. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister” (Romans 14:13)

It is inherent human nature to think that the group they belong to is better than the rest, but putting down those who are outside your group for being something that don’t fit with you, fit in with the lines that you have drawn for yourself, is just beyond egocentrism – the one value that all religions condemn. To me, it is not a preferment of God’s family, but a display of one’s own inadequacies. To me, the only thing “self-indulgent” or “narcissistic” or “needs healing” is the loathing people carry against others. I believe and I have seen how love, in its pure sense, can exist between a man and another man as it can between a man and a woman. I have seen beautiful, happy children being raised by two cooperative mothers as opposed to a pair of conflicting heterosexual parents. I’ve seen homosexuals as moral, kind and full of love as heterosexuals. How then, is homosexuality a “corruption of morals” or a “disintegration of family life”?

Finally, since this was all triggered by a bunch of justifications with the holy text in the forefront, let me finish also with a quote from the Bible. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself” (Romans 2:1). 

Rise against Domestic Violence in Sri Lanka

Domestic violence should not be considered as a part of Sri Lankan culture; each individual should intervene to create a violence-free society.

Domestic violence is an issue that is getting a great deal of attention, but is still a throbbing problem in our society. Family is the most important unit in any community, because it is from the family, that a child learns the values he or she implements in the future. A good family will produce a good child, who, in turn, will grow up to be a responsible and productive adult. Hence, it is an obvious cycle, where superior  upbringing will directly influence in the betterment of society. Domestic violence, which is defined as “abusive behavior directed against another in a family context or among partners who are married, cohabiting or dating” (Hamel, J. and Nicholls, T. L.,2007) is a massive problem in Sri Lanka, especially in low-income families. Unfortunately, people turn a blind eye towards such violence, because of the lack of awareness. According to the United Nations’, ‘National Strategy for Protection against Domestic Violence’, domestic violence is also referred to as spousal abuse, battering and intimate partner violence. It entails physical, sexual, mental, emotional and verbal abuse. Unpermitted domineering, intimidation, covert abuse, financial deprivation, trespassing, kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment are all forms of domestic violence (Dutton, D. G., 2006). This brief essay contains statistics about domestic violence and why Sri Lankan authorities and society in general, ignore such behavior. It will also entails the importance of spreading awareness about domestic violence. 

According to a research done by Leelangi Wanasundara (2000), the number of reported cases of domestic violence has increased dramatically between the years of 1991 and 1997. The number of cases of harassment has increased from a 295 in 1991 to 1526 in 1997. The number of murders has increased up to 73 from 13 in 1991. Complaints regarding attempted murders, child abuse, rape and incest have also increased radically (Wanasundara, L., 2000). These statics are not up to date, but several news items have shown that domestic violence is on the rise in all provinces of Sri Lanka. An article published in the Daily News on the 08^th of January 2011, stated that violence against pregnant women has increased by 40%. This news item further stated that such incidents often result in complications during birth and bring threat to the life of the mother and the baby. Intentional blows on the stomach are a common cause of birth defects in babies (Bandara, S., 2011). Police stations state that they receive an average of 10,000 complaints regarding domestic violence annually (Wijeyesekera, R., 2011). This is in fact a major problem considering that 51% of the Sri Lankan population is female. Around the world, at least one in three women is subjected to violence. About three women and one man are murdered daily by their intimate partners. One in five teenagers is in abusive relationships and at least ten million children witness domestic violence each year. But, it is reported that only about half of the victims get help. In some parts of the world, up to 95% tolerate domestic violence due to cultural obligations and in Sri Lanka too, women and children fail to reach out for help when it is indeed (Domestic Violence Facts, 2007; Dutton, D. G., 2006; Wanasundara, L., 2000).

            

         Sri Lanka, similar to may parts of the world, has a clearly patriarchal society where prominence is given to the male role of a family. This and the fact that there is strict hierarchy in the Sri Lankan social system has lead to discrimination against women and children. Authorities tend to take complaints regarding domestic violence less seriously and many of these cases can be very costly and lengthy. An extract from a study done by Leelangi Wanasundara, from the Center for Women’s Research reads, “Many victims of violence believe that the law enforcement personnel are insensitive to their needs and the victims are perceived as the ones who committed the crime. Domestic violence is still regarded as a family matter and a rape victim is humiliated in courts…” (Wanasundara, L., 2000). In spite of the fact that there are clear laws against all forms of domestic violence written down in the national convention, the society seems to ignore them. The punishments for such behavior seem to be taken less seriously. Sri Lanka has four major international instruments including the 1966 International Covenant on Civil and Political rights, 1976 Convention of Elimination of All forms of Discrimination against Women, 1989 Convention on the Rights of Child and the 1984 Convention on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. The government initiated a program named ‘Mithuru Piyasa’ in 2007, which is based at every government hospital. There is now a special division that handles such cases in each police department.  There are rehabilitation centers, child protection agencies, NGO’s and religious organizations spread across the island. Never the less, very few seem to know of the importance of putting a stop to domestic violence.

           

                    The impact of domestic violence is massive. It not only affects the person directly maltreated, but also those witnessing the happening. For example, a child seeing a father ill-treat his mother regularly may either develop severe anxiety or even model the father’s unprincipled acts. Studies have shown that over 60% of victims of domestic violence are likely to develop anxiety and/ or depression. Many of them attempt suicide (Dutton, D. G., 2006). Children who come from abusive homes have a greater chance of failing in their academic work and engaging in violent behaviors in the presence of their peers. A considerable percentage of juvenile delinquents are those who have been abused or seen such acts. In addition, many studies repeated over the course of history have shown that those who come from abusive families are likely to get into abusive relationships themselves. This could be either as the submissive partner, who is involved with someone with similar traits of violence they experienced as children or as the abuser. Hence, it is an accepted fact that domestic violence is a learned behavior that can only be stopped if each person rethinks the impact of what they do. 

            A society cannot be changed at once, as a whole. Change should be brought upon any community issue, by changing the outlook of the mindsets of every member of that community. The law enforcers should be strictly advised to adhere to the punishments stated in the national convention and be supportive towards victims instead of putting them to further shame. People of all walks of life must be made aware of what domestic violence is and how they should react if they become victims. Just as it is done in the case of epidemic diseases like Dengue, awareness campaigns must be held so that every individual knows where to go and whom to contact if necessary. Gandhi once said “be the change you want to see in the world”. This is indeed the attitude that should be imposed upon each mind if we are to create a violence-free society for the future. A home is the single place on earth that an individual feels safe and comfortable. All relevant authorities and most importantly, each citizen must take measures to grant this right to all. 

References

Bandara, S. (2011) Increasing Domestic Violence Against Women. Daily News Online,
           8^th   January 2011. Retrieved on 12^th April 2011 from
           http://www.dailynews.lk/2011/01/08/news31.asp 

Domestic Violence Facts (2007) National Coalition Against Doemstoic Violence Retrieved on
           9^th April http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet%28National%29.pdf

Dutton, D. G. (2006). Rethinking Domestic Violence. Vancouver, BC, Canada: UBC Press
           Retrieved on 10^th April 2011

Hamel, J. and Nicholls, T. L. (2007). Family Interventions in Domestic Violence: A
             Handbook of Gender-Inclusive Theory and Treatment. New York, NY: Springe
             Retrieved on 11^th April 2011 from http://books.google.lk /books/abo               /Family_Interventions_in_DomesticViolenc.html?id=e9YJKzn5LDcC&redir_esc=y

Sri Lanka: Violence Against Women on the Rise (2008) Gender Based Violence Forum.
            Retrieved on 11^th April 2011 from http://www.irinnews.org/Report/81693/SRI-LANKA-Violence- against-women-on-the-rise

Wanasundara, L. (2000) Country Report on Violence against Women in Sri Lanka. Center for
           Women’s Research. Retrieved on 11^th April 2011 from http://www.isst-india.org /PDF/Violence%20against%20women%20-%20Sri%20Lanka.pdf

Wijeyesekera, R. (2011) An Introduction to ‘Prevention of the Domestic Violence Act of Sri
            Lanka’. Department of Private and Comparative Law, Faculty of Law, University of
           Colombo, Sri Lanka. 

Essay by – Hansini Gunasekara

Find Help

Sahanaya National Council for Mental Health 

Telephone - +94 112 685 960, +94 115 350 819

Website - http://www.sahanaya.org/

Sri Lanka Police - Children and Women Bureau  

Telephone - Please visit the web address below to contact the police station in your area

Website - http://www.police.lk/index.php/child-a-women-bureau

Women in Need Sri Lanka

Telephone -  011 2671411, 2671 401, 4641 466, 4641 543, 24-hour Hotline - 4718585

Website - http://winsl.net/

Gossiphilosophy

Will you agree with me if I say that gossip is the best thing that happened to us humans? Without it, what would social gatherings be? Without it, how can we belong to the “it” group? And without it, how can we look better than others? So yes, gossip, as I’d like to put it, is the life-giving tug at the human heart. The psychological perspective of gossip is a whole higher level and I believe I lack the knowledge to even dare to start about it. But what I really want to know are some simple answers to three questions boiling in my mind.

-         Why do we gossip?

-         What happens when we are gossiped about?

-         Is gossip inherent to humans?

Even though classically, women are supposed to be more fluent at gossiping, men do so too. Of course, like with everything else, groups belonging to different genders have different ways of gossiping. Women are probably known at it better, because they can voice their emotions better. Women are much more verbal than men. (I’d love to know your opinions on this) Hold on; let me clarify to you, my definition of gossip. Gossip is malicious talk about another’s personal affairs with the intention of disrupting his or her reputation. Now, the later part of this definition is subjective. Just because we gossip, that does not make us cold-hearted, evil-doers, up and about to tarnish another person’s status. (That would make us all malevolent!). Gossiping could be intended harmless, but it will, directly or indirectly, be pointed against another. If we go down the evolutionary track, at the end of the day, Darwin is right. Ultimately it is the fit who will survive. Thus, we are, like all animals in this kingdom, hold one goal in life- to be fitter than the other in order to survive. Thus, gossiping is a subtle way of letting down another which in turn, pushes you or your group of comrades, higher in the status pedestals. Greek? Ok, I will restate it with an example. Imagine the political scenario in Sri Lanka. One party discusses the affairs of the others (not the good ones, mind you). Why? Obviously, to let the rivals down and exhilarate themselves. Why does Cosmopolitan carry a gossip column in which they discuss the number of times JLo failed at marriage and Britney’s mental health? To gain popularity and trust me, these beauty magazines are much more intelligent than we give them credit for. They know exactly how to cater to their audience by using gossip tactics to reach to their readers’ inner psyche. Well, with all that said, I still haven’t answered my first question – why do we gossip? After reading a few pieces here and there (they weren’t all scientific, mind you) I came up with four answers to this question

1. to bond with each other
2. to stay in line
3. to gain popularity
4. to learn lessons

If we were to wake up tomorrow and gossip no longer existed, what would life be? What are we going to say to our comrades when we see them? What are we going to preoccupy our minds with all day long? Thus, gossip, since tribal times was a strong glue that bonded groups of people and excluded groups of others. This is exactly why girls who don’t wear cherry lip-gloss cannot be friends with the popular ones! And this is exactly why guys who sit in the first row in the history class, can’t hang out with the beer-exploiting oafs. Gossip is a mode of information. By gossiping, we stay on track with the norms of our community. And of course, some people like to be gossiped about, to be popular and others are the best gossipers and a social gathering cannot run without them. Finally, and this is the good of gossip, we learn a whole deal of lessons via gossip. Do not sleep over at a guy friend’s house unless you want to be called a heedless slut. If you are shopping at the discount section of a flashy store, make sure to dress like a ninja. It is through the mistakes of others that we learn (and somehow, not through our own mistakes!).

Now, what happens if we are gossiped about, other than the phenomenal realization that we are popular? Have you ever been the topic of a social gathering? I have, and I know it darn browbeats you! Even if I said that I will not go into psychological substance, here’s the deal. Being constantly gossiped about, thus having your name tarnished has a lot of impact on you. Along the same lines of the Greek I was rambling on about above, being accepted is a part of being human. The moment we get completely excluded from groups we ought to belong to, it frustrates and impairs the other departments of life. This effect is much stronger within adolescents and unfortunately, gossip is at its most fiery among them. Being gossiped about is somewhat similar to being bullied. It will not only make us feel judged and mortified, but will also rob away our trust on humans. Of course, I am stating obvious things. But sadly, these simple and obvious things are greatly ignored.

Finally and most importantly (I am awfully curious regarding this question) is gossiping inherent to humans? Would animals gossip if they had a vocal language? Maybe they do! (I am letting my imagination go bananas and picturing an arrogant poodle commenting on how rusty the coat of the street-pooch next door is). If, as I said, gossiping is a vital means of socialising, then shouldn’t it be an integrated part of humanness? The answer is yes. (Feel free to comment if you know otherwise) This also means that there is no escape from gossiping.

Well, let’s now let’s lay the cards on the table. Gossiping is mostly not good, but it is unavoidable. Yet, just because we have no escape from something doesn’t mean that we can’t have it under control. How? Maybe gossiping a little bit and not too much? Well, maybe. But, what we really need to do is to start understanding what bad reputation can do to people. It can steal away a lifetime of hard work and achievement; it can turn a once dear friend to a mortal enemy; it can even make people begrudge society. Depression is not cool, when you are the victim. Having people turn heads every time you walk into a room is worse. So let’s be blunt. Do not gossip. If you can’t hold up your tongue, try to reconsider what you say and who you say it to. Well, you know, you can always gossip about public gossip like what they do in telly shows or better, why not talk about philosophy, science, technology and other educable stuff at gatherings? (I’m just suggesting J ). Remember, people are beyond what we see and what we think we know. They are deeper than what they do and who they display themselves as, on the outside. Just because a rumour scandalizes a person’s character, it doesn’t mean that they are all bad. The rest of us are not all good either, mind you. Remember the story of Mary Magdeline and Jesus? Well, dare to throw that first stone if and ONLY if you are all angelic. If you don’t know this story, just ignore that bit, but please let’s not commit murder. Because, gossip, the tangled up grapevine, chokes its victims to painful deaths and we are all responsible for watering it.

The Smooch Module

                    Here’s a fact! Dating makes you smart. It makes you (putting it dramatically) unveil the bitter (sometimes sweet) truths of humanness and start seeing the world beyond the retrospect, beyond the familiar colors. Parents would probably frown at this, but some fancy research has shown that dating helps young adults to develop self-esteem, social presentation, communication skills, intimacy and several other areas that contribute to success in later life. Well… in that case, the more you date the better! That’s a different story. But then again, stories are always so interesting, especially the inside stories – almost as interesting as a soppy Bollywood film.

               Statically speaking, above 75% of college students date other college students one way or the other. (I am using the word “date” quite loosely, mind you. All kinds of relationships including fighting couples, the friends with benefits, the torrid couples, just for the sake of it couples, the sorta-kinda-in-love couples, cheating couples, sickly-in-love couples, couples with a control- freak partner and normal couples are included). But only less than 20% end up together in the long run. It is in fact, a part of college life, almost inevitable that is, especially here, when kids who were brought up in same-sex schools all their lives, are suddenly put together. Maybe it is because the hormonal surges are undeniable or maybe it is because the possible “catches” are just too hot to ignore.

                   Then of course, cultures come into play; we have the “gode” couples who giggle in the corners of the cafeteria and the “posh” ones who hang around with the happening crowd. (Pardon me if you identify yourself here, I truly mean no offense). Then there is also the serious stuff, not just between the Buddhist mother who just found out that her daughter is dating a Muslim boy and the Colombo 07 businessman daddy who heard rumors about his 6” handsome son “hitting-on” a dark-skinned girl from the village, but between Lankanness and Americanness. We are after all, Sri Lankan stuck on the way to the USA. So, who’s to blame and what’s to be called wrong? But it would be nicer to see a bit more principle, even when it comes to dating.

                   Even a bigger deal in college love is heartbreak. Attraction is good, in fact it is superb and hey, I’m in no position to judge so please do spare me. But love at first sight seems to work quite well here. (So girl, think that guy is hot? Go ahead, make a move. You’ve got to do what the handsome bloke is not brave enough to do) I believe it is a great practice for project initiation. There is also the fun bit, mind you – hiding away from the snobby cameras. Rule breaking is in fact underestimated. One with no fine intellect can’t do it.

                      Unfortunately so, the butterflies choose to fly away in most cases and the honeymoonish days come to an end – hearts break, girls cry, guys fight. The culture clashes, the self-discoveries, all play a role in shooing the butterflies, but sometimes it just happens and yes, “hubba bubba” another catches your eye and the cycle starts all over again. Everything is suddenly so great except during those rare awkward moments when you get into the lift and find your ex is in too.

            The backstabbing, gossip and the “looks” are all a part of the package. It’s what makes the module interesting. Like said, the only challenge is to set up principles and stick to them whether it is the boxer-pant trend, tittle-tattling or maintaining a perfect A grade. Dating is an all-inclusive curriculum after all. Maybe we should get credits for it. The number who fails will indeed come as a massive surprise, believe me.

Benefits of Dating  
Understanding the 'Hookup' culture  
How to Revive your Ailing Self Respect